I’m not sure how I’ve arrived at this point. Somehow fate played its course, and a cruel one at that, and I’ve become this transparent version of myself. The past two years I’ve continuously hoped that maybe one day I’d wake up and realize this was all just a dream. Sadly, I’m finding myself suddenly awoken at the most pivotal point, with no recollection of how this became my reality.

I think the plan I intended on pursuing was wrong all along. Somewhere along the way I took the opposite path. And maybe it didn’t just happen within the past few years. Maybe I set myself up for this long ago. I don’t even know what ‘this’ is anymore. Where am I? Where am I going? What have I become? As ironically optimistic as it sounds, I truly believe I wouldn’t be stuck in this moment if it wasn’t supposed to mean something. Is it wrong to think I’m simply made for something bigger than all of this? Hypothetically speaking, if I am actually some sort of magical prophet, what do I do in the meantime? What did all the other prophets do for a living when they weren’t listening to their spirit guides? I can’t justify doing anything without there being some sort of purpose behind it.

And that’s why funny people are funny; their lives are as ironic as their jokes. The funniest people are the ones with the most challenged minds. Maybe they’re not challenged, maybe they’re brilliant. Brilliantly challenged, in a state of bliss by their predispositions. The events that have played out in their lives are so complicatedly simple, yet so rooted into their core that it seems like a cosmic joke. At a time like that, all you really can do is laugh at yourself, just so others can laugh too and not feel so threatened by the severity of the darkness you’re submerged in.

Then again, I’m generalizing human beings based on my life experiences. But isn’t that what life is? Using your knowledge of past events to make sense of other people’s chaos they describe as ‘life’. We’re all secretly struggling with something. Apparently I’m the only one who chose to dwell on past events to realize that something drastic needed to happen. I’m terrified of what that something is. Did I really just waste all that time and money on a career that seems far from what I truly feel I should be doing? I don’t even enjoy what I do anymore, not even as a hobby.

Since when did I accept failure? How am I still alive? It takes all of my energy to not kill myself every day. Waking up is a constant reminder that I’m still here and I’m still trying to figure out what I should be doing. Should is such a demeaning word. Who makes these rules? Who is the should directed from? Is should a word you use against yourself when you feel you’re not living up to your potential? Should comes from a high list of standards that you’ve subconsciously created from the ideals of your higher self, your parents, society, and all those other random voices in your head that for some ungodly reason continuously shout, “you should do that!” or “you shouldn’t do that!” Why? Why am I constantly finding myself listening to the ‘shoulds’ instead of listening to my heart? I know what I ‘should’ do, but if I actually cared what the ‘should’ inside of me believed, I would’ve done it six months ago.

So, six months later, here I am, fighting the urge to succumb to the ‘should’. Is it courageous or ignorant to walk into the unknown without a plan? Again, this course of action is so out of my character that I’m struggling with figuring out the next step. I’m abandoning any preexisting pretense for how my life will play out. In a sense, I’m starting fresh. I’m so completely overwhelmed by the freedom this presents. There’s so much pressure to not mess this up again. I was granted a second chance, and now I have no idea where I want to go with it. I have all these ideas as to what I enjoy and what I think I would be great at, but that entails low-income jobs and instability and more education. Who’s to say that my latest interests are correct for my future? How am I supposed to predict the longevity of my fascination? 

I’m Athena and you’re my Odysseus. 

“Two of a kind, we are, contrivers, both. Of all the men alive you are the best in plots and story telling. My own fame is for wisdom among the gods - deceptions too. Would even you have guessed that I am Pallas Athena, daughter of Zeus, that I am always with you in times of trial, a shield to you in battle” (Odyssey 240).

I woke up hating everyone today. I’m bored with every human I come in contact with. When will I find someone who actually stimulates my mind? Clearly I need to move.

Why is it so hard to relate to everyone lately too? The people I grew up with are slowly getting ready to graduate. They’re packing their bags for spring break; the destinations in which seem less than thrilling. They’re preparing for exams so they can receive a piece of paper that proves just how well they can study. Or for some people, how well they can use photoshop for a couple hours to show themselves how great of a public relations major they really are. 

I’m not bitter, nor am I jealous or bigheaded. 

I graduated over a year and a half ago, I live in Florida, and I’m a graphic designer. 

Maybe once these people actually graduate and become something I’ll feel the need to keep in touch with them. Until then, I have nothing to say to your daily routine of class, parties, and drunken experiences. Those are not real experiences. Your lives are not real. 

Have I become one of those pretentious ‘adults’ in the ‘real world’? Maybe I’m the one that no one can relate to. I’m past the scheduled plan of events for a person my age. Do I resent my life choices? No. But if I’m so past all of this, why am I still sitting here clueless as to what my next move is?

My body keeps showing me signs that I’m not ok, but I keep ignoring them. How many nightly panic attacks will it take before I realize that the spark I’ve been looking for is right in front of me? I just can’t motivate myself to get going with anything. 

I have so much pain in my heart lately. I have pain all the time, but lately I just know that there’s either someone sending me these negative vibes or I have a lot of unresolved negative emotions from the past 22 years finally starting to resurface.

Here’s to another day of great intentions for accomplishing something, but achieving nothing.

I’ve decided there are really only four specific times of the day that I enjoy. And each day at these times are the only moments of my day that seem to make sense. Life takes on new meaning and I feel reenergized.

The first time is early morning, right after the sun rises. Everything seems fresh and new. There’s this soft yellow glow around each corner, inviting all that acknowledge it to explore. The energy is calm and soothing. I feel the most inspired and encouraged to take on the day.

The rest of the day seems pointless until the afternoon slowly begins to disappear. From 4:30-5:30 there is the ‘golden hour’. Named for the rich, golden tone in the sky. Everywhere you look is gold. The contrasting hues throughout the sky remind me of a children’s book. The sun paints each and every one of its rays across the horizon and onto my skin. No matter what the day brought, in that moment you feel an overwhelming sense of contentment in your surroundings.

Once the sun has finally set, the darkness arrives. You step outside and immediately go blind in the dark abyss. The darkness feels secure, almost comforting. It’s as if you’ve found a place to hide amongst the stars. And then your eyes readjust and you are suddenly aware of how visible you really are. I always feel a sense of shame for acting so vulnerable in the dark’s presence. I acted as if no one could see me, but in reality I was blatantly visible. You long for the temporary gift of being invisible.

And then at 5am, your wish is granted. It’s those creeping seconds right before the sun rises that honestly cannot be understood until you’ve been in those moments yourself. The feeling of complete darkness and silence is overbearing. A heartbeat echos like a scream. There’s such a feeling of seclusion and loneliness, but it almost seems fitting. As though things wouldn’t seem right if you didn’t feel that way. It brings forth such clarity and inner peace. You can completely disconnect yourself with the world and no one will question it. Time pauses for you to gather all your thoughts properly.

And then the day starts again..

The ban of my existence is for those brief moments of the day where my life temporarily makes sense.

I can’t decide if I want you because I’m lonely, or because I actually believe the part of me that thinks this could work. I thought that by seeing you I would feel reassured. Instead, I’m having a hard time holding on. We seemed like strangers, the reality of what we were to each other. After all, he really is a stranger to me. But why was the instant connection so strong? I guess that’s what keeps me holding on. There are those brief moments of spark, but our conversations are mostly blank spaces. I don’t know when it all changed or why, but it did. 

I wish you were someone else. That person who, similarly to you, captured my heart in an instant. You don’t know that I saw him that night. He doesn’t know that I was with you before. I left seeing you and had never felt such mixed signals from you before. I felt let down by my expectations of you. I didn’t feel that special energy from you like I had hoped I would. You left me feeling disheartened. I couldn’t stop thinking of him. I wished I was with him instead of you. I saw him and immediately felt the energy between us. It was exactly what I was looking for. It was exactly what I needed at that moment. To be reassured that there was nothing wrong with me, but was wrong with them. For the first time in awhile I felt alive. You’re losing my attention because you lack that attribute. I don’t want to settle for you because you’re available to me. I can’t keep hiding behind long distance relationships, in comfort of not getting too close to someone. 

Now to capture his heart.

11-19-11

My intuition has played a large roll in my life lately. I’ve been actively picking up on my subconscious thoughts. By practicing reading myself, I’ve become more aware of the energies I’m receiving around me. My thoughts are strong now. I seem to be more focused on my subconscious, rather than trying to maintain a sense of reality. Time doesn’t have meaning. I’m extremely bored with my surroundings and the situations I’m placed in. I believe my spirit was so shaken by the recent events in my life, that it abandoned my body. Thus forcing a sense of retreat from its parallel universe. My body is disconnected, which leaves me unenthusiastic, while my spirit ponders the meaning of life. How can a person not question themselves after watching and experiencing such traumatic events?

The irony of it all is the constant theme of removal. I once read that if you meet numerous “twin-like” versions of yourself in a short period of time, then all of you share the same, powerful mental energy image. This joining of the forces can finally help each other release the negative energy. As I think about all this now, it’s eerie how I initially thought how alike I was with all these people.. This just confirms my beliefs that life does not exist. This is one of my lives that is helping me seek knowledge on my path to enlightenment. All of the people I have relationships with or interact with do not actually exist either. If you think about it, it’s just like if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, does it make noise? Do these people actually have lives? Unless I’m interacting with them, then I have no clue nor desire to know if they are living. Everyone around you is there for you for a particular reason. Someone wouldn’t be put in your life for a waste of energy. This is why you always gain knowledge and appreciation of life from every person you come in contact with. 

This is too coincidental for me to just be ok with it. I always thought I was going to be the one in control of this situation. 

But here you are, in my town. 

Not by choice. It never even had the chance to be an option. But regardless, you’re here. And I’m hours away from being in your proximity. I’m too anxious to comprehend this impossible occurrence. My choice didn’t seem like it had more than one option. Ironically my brain spoke before my heart. It’s taken over a year for the transition to occur.

How do you let this pass and never feel guilty? I’ve been unaware of the intensity of how badly I’ve needed this to happen. I’ve gotten to a point in my life where everything the future can possibly hold for me is waiting on this one, final moment; to move on. I’ve been holding on to a piece of me that long overgrew my tiny body. It took me this long to realize how long I painstakingly tried to cover up the wounds from that relationship.

I never was healed. And now I’m seeking that final stitch.

And now you’re here, in my town. And I’m spontaneously driving through the night to see you. I’ve practiced this scene out in my head daily for over a year in my head. But I still feel unprepared.

I’m afraid my heart isn’t ready for what I’m about to put it through.

It has become apparent that I am bored with my life. With not only my personal life, but of life in general. Everyone’s lives and all that surrounds me. Bores me. To death.

My house makes me feel claustrophobic. My feelings make me feel claustrophobic. Everyone’s expectations of me, that I assume are real, make me feel, well, claustrophobic. And I’m not quite sure if that’s normal.

Maybe work actually is what’s keeping me sane. Isn’t that pathetic? I’ve grown to love the hell that I wish daily to be out of. That is not normal. I’m a sick fuck.

The twisted part about me is that I continuously want to be left alone because people annoy me. Yet once I’m alone, I only want to be surrounded by what I can’t have. I fill the void with materialistic items, like four pairs of shoes that I don’t actually need. Why is it that everyone is always unavailable when I actually need someone?

My best friend tried committing suicide. Twice. And now they’re trying eagerly to fix him by feeding him endless amounts of prescriptions with ingredients that neither of us can pronounce. And how is this helping? By making him numb, he is somehow cured. I feel some sort of relativity towards his disease. Has someone been slipping drugs in my coffee? Is this me acting out my life in a numb state of consciousness? I think I’m just being selfish.

And then there’s my high school best friend who is still so stuck in high school that talking with her forces me back into that naïve state of mind. It can’t be wrong that I’m purposely ignoring her so I don’t have to be reminded of the person I used to be. Not that who I was was a disgrace by any means. Maybe I’m not actually ignoring her. Maybe I’m ignoring the fact that who we’ve grown up to be doesn’t actually work well cohesively. I never was good at letting people go.

Then we have the best friend who I rarely talk to because our egos are too large. So by speaking to one another, we’re admitting that we might actually work well together. In fact, it might work so well that we wouldn’t need anyone else in our lives. But what’s the fun in figuring out everything so soon? I want him to be the one I call when I’m feeling as though my life is some sort of sick joke. But instead, I’ll just sit here and pretend that he and his actions do not affect me.

Oh and the newfound boy? He’s another case I’m trying to pretend isn’t real. I’m too busy trying to occupy myself so that his little disappearing acts don’t even faze me. Which ironically seems to be a trend these days. So why did I meet him? What was the lesson there? It’s not like we had nothing in common. It’s not like I made him up in my head. Our conversations were real. I actually thought he cared. Cares. Cared.

My sister is across the country. She’s too busy doing all the things I should be doing; adventuring, exploring, seeing familiar places and faces. And where am I? Sitting here. In the same place I’ve been for the past twelve hours.

 I have an anxiety attack everyday. Every single day. And each day it’s about something new. Or it’s about the same thing, just a different way that I’m overanalyzing it and obsessing over each and every detail of how I’ve failed. Or how I will fail.   

 When will this phase be over? I’ve been suffering since, well honestly as I think about the last time I was truly happy, I’m going way back to a year ago. Even further. This year has really, really been hard for me. How am I still surviving?

 Now, to medicate myself so that I can sleep? Or to drive around aimlessly until I feel tired naturally?

I sit here and let the rush take over my body. Your energy seeps through my veins like a liquid, slowly oozing to each and every corner I’ve tried so diligently to cover. I never intended on feeling this way. I never intended on saying hello. But it happened, and now you’re consuming my thoughts once again. It’s as if simultaneously you’re causing me pain by the guilt of your presence. How can you still have this effect on me? Why did I think it was possible to ignore you? I’ll never learn. You’ll always catch me at my weakest and suck all the resistance out of me.

I think I’m falling for a moment, for a chance at clarity. I’ll blame it on the moon. I’ll say it was something out of my control. There’s no possible way I could make all this up on my own.

Today was a day of realization. The realization of all my karma and achievements, and all of my weaknesses gathered into one place inside my brain. It is exactly how it sounds; miserable. It’s a slap in the face that you often wish would never come; yet it did. I sat at my desk hours after everyone had already left and thought to myself about where my life was going. Is this actually where I saw myself a year ago? I thought this was always what I’ve dreamt of. Instead, I’m left overworked and underappreciated. Maybe this is some sort of test. I guess all of life is a test if you actually take time to think about it.

And now there’s a boy who’s stolen my heart, in addition to the others that preceded him. It was honestly something that was so sudden that I can’t explain it other than by pure fate. And now I’m finding myself missing his company more regularly. Why is it I always must miss someone? I can’t decide if I’m clinging on to the thought or the feeling. It seems as though everyday I’m pushing myself further and further away in hopes of saving my wounded heart. I act so happy and so full of life around him, but the thought of any sort of attachment or commitment to something so real and unguarded rips away any last bit of hope left inside of me.

It’s ironic how much I’ve wanted this, yet how intensely I’m trying to prove the feeling wrong. I’m not ready to love anyone, nor is anyone ready to love me.

It’s amazing how much Razia’s Shadow can still affect me. Even still today. I’m immediately thrown into a different mindset, a different wavelength. I’m driving in the car with you. Every note hits me harder, every word takes on a new meaning. I feel so connected with you. We’re sharing the same brain, the same thoughts, the same feelings.

You’ve been thinking about me lately. I can’t help but wonder where you’ve been. I was waiting here the entire time. Waiting for you. Waiting for me to get over you. But now we both know that’s impossible. I want to tell you that. Why do we both know I won’t? 

I don’t want to set myself up for looking like an idiot. So I’ll continue to fall slowly for you. And I’ll listen to Razia’s Shadow and pretend we’re together.